Cause you just, did the impossible, gained my trust Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over

For the most part things are pretty good right now... I am doing everything I was going to do with him in my life anyways... It more just sucks that I don't have that connection with someone and don't have that person to share my daily thoughts and feelings and talk about my day with... It sucks that I can see all the bad and all the hurt that happened to me throughout the relationship but I still love him with all my heart... they say if you love someone you accept all the bad with all the good which is what I seem to have done but why?  Why did/do I allow myself to get hurt over and over... why did I let him have complete control over me?  I wish I knew the answer...

I let him hurt me more than I ever wanted to be hurt... I let him do things that are unacceptable in a relationship and I know this but yet I still don't hate him... I still miss him... I still love him... I don't know if I should be happy or sad about that.  Should I be happy that I can love someone so much that I will try and do whatever it takes and that I will try and work through all the bad with that person.  He couldn't emotionally commit to me 100% he needed to flirt and hit on other girls and we couldn't be in a healthy happy relationship if he couldn't commit to me 100%.

I was talking to someone the other day and we kind of came to the conclusion that we either needed to take a step in our relationship or end it... and I was trying to take a step of moving in together so we could know if we could live together before we even talked about marriage or kids or anything like that... he thought the next step was marriage and wasn't ready for that I guess... I don't know its like we missed the boat.  It is like when you are teaching a child to speak or have empathy, you need to get it at a certain time or it just never fully develops... we were long overdue for that next step and I was willing and ready and willing to wait till we could get our finances figured out and I guess he wasn't willing to wait till he was done school...

I dunno... we were right there... everything we wanted was in reach and he just couldn't... I dunno... I guess the timing wasn't right, the circumstances weren't right... I had accepted that and was willing to wait till they were... but I guess he needed something now :( it is unfortunate that we didn't discuss this and didn't communicate... I knew our communication was an issue and I tried to talk about that many times... but the fact that he wasn't willing should have told me something right then and there but I just ignored it... Ignorance truly is bliss I guess...

anyways I had a totally intended to write about something else and all this just came out... oh boy... lol