Just another day

Friday... ugh... I don't know if I should be happy or sad... I am happy and I am sad... It is the weekend, my birthday weekend... and all I really want is to spend it with him... He was (is?) my best friend and I still wish even though we are not together that he could be here to celebrate my birthday with me... I unno... I don't think he would want to drive 2.5hrs just to see me for my birthday...

Ugh... this just all sucks... I know logically that we can't be together right now and that we both have some soul searching and figuring out to do on our own but that doesn't make my heart stop hurting... it doesn't make me want him any less... it doesn't make me miss him any less... I still want him with me... I still want to come home and talk to him and tell him how my day was and have supper with him and spend my nights with him like we did before... I dunno... it is hard not to want that... everyday I come home and expect to see his little yellow truck sitting in the driveway and everyday as I approach my house and see it's not there I get sad again...

I don't know what I am hoping for.. I don't know what I should be thinking or doing... all i think about is how much this sucks and that I hope that someday in the future we can talk and make things work again... I don't know if thinking that stuff is good or bad... That is all I really want at the moment...

I am happy that I am getting back into somethings that I stopped doing when I was with him and that I am finding myself again but I am still sad because I still wish I could share those things with him and still see him and still be with him... I miss talking and playing crib and his little truck and watching movies and going shopping and walks in the park and more and more and more... I just don't know...