20 September 2010

Somedays it makes me sick

Somedays it makes me sick
to think about all the shit
you gave up when you ran away
because you were too scared to stay

if you could have looked into my eyes
and told me what you decided to hide
and trusted me like you said you did
we could have had a chance kid!

Moved back into my room finally!!! still getting stuff into there but I have my bed and my room back :) and awesome fuzzy carpet! I went for a run yesterday (in the wind and cold) and I am going for one again after work today.  I am looking into taking a class with the running room to train for the half-marathon I plan to run in May and depending on how that goes I hope to do a full-marathon in fall.

I have to maintain my weight for 3 more weeks then I am a lifetime member at weight watchers :)
I still plan on losing some more but I am just working on maintaining at the moment while I am trying to get my life figured out! which is a challenge in itself!

I have few people out there who are actually trying to help me through this but I guess having a few is better than having none.  Its like most people think I should be over it already but those people must have never had their heart broken... the hurt and the pain doesn't go away over night... It hasn't even calmed down a bit but I have learned not to cry all the time but it still gets to me everyday...

I try not to talk to other people about it because it seems that no one really wants to hear it or be supportive... everyone just says whatever you'll get over it or stop thinking about it or something along those lines... I just wish that the people who I try to talk to about this would actually give me the time of day... I know no one wants to talk to that sad depressing girl so I am trying to pretend and act like im fine so people will want to spend time with me so that I don't get more sad and more depressed. Ugh, I dunno, random babbles again... lol

Anyways I am still maintaining my weight and running and eating healthy and a few people I know are thinking about joining Weight Watchers so maybe I can help someone else through it! :)

17 September 2010

Cause you just, did the impossible, gained my trust Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over

For the most part things are pretty good right now... I am doing everything I was going to do with him in my life anyways... It more just sucks that I don't have that connection with someone and don't have that person to share my daily thoughts and feelings and talk about my day with... It sucks that I can see all the bad and all the hurt that happened to me throughout the relationship but I still love him with all my heart... they say if you love someone you accept all the bad with all the good which is what I seem to have done but why?  Why did/do I allow myself to get hurt over and over... why did I let him have complete control over me?  I wish I knew the answer...

I let him hurt me more than I ever wanted to be hurt... I let him do things that are unacceptable in a relationship and I know this but yet I still don't hate him... I still miss him... I still love him... I don't know if I should be happy or sad about that.  Should I be happy that I can love someone so much that I will try and do whatever it takes and that I will try and work through all the bad with that person.  He couldn't emotionally commit to me 100% he needed to flirt and hit on other girls and we couldn't be in a healthy happy relationship if he couldn't commit to me 100%.

I was talking to someone the other day and we kind of came to the conclusion that we either needed to take a step in our relationship or end it... and I was trying to take a step of moving in together so we could know if we could live together before we even talked about marriage or kids or anything like that... he thought the next step was marriage and wasn't ready for that I guess... I don't know its like we missed the boat.  It is like when you are teaching a child to speak or have empathy, you need to get it at a certain time or it just never fully develops... we were long overdue for that next step and I was willing and ready and willing to wait till we could get our finances figured out and I guess he wasn't willing to wait till he was done school...

I dunno... we were right there... everything we wanted was in reach and he just couldn't... I dunno... I guess the timing wasn't right, the circumstances weren't right... I had accepted that and was willing to wait till they were... but I guess he needed something now :( it is unfortunate that we didn't discuss this and didn't communicate... I knew our communication was an issue and I tried to talk about that many times... but the fact that he wasn't willing should have told me something right then and there but I just ignored it... Ignorance truly is bliss I guess...

anyways I had a totally intended to write about something else and all this just came out... oh boy... lol

16 September 2010

It's amazing how you make your face just like a wall, how you take your heart and turn it off, how I turn my head and lose it all

Matchbox twenty is my very best friend right now :) Such good music...

anyways had an alright week i guess lol... i am doing a lot better on tracking this week which is good and i plan on having a relaxing weekend to get organized for next week and make a plan to get all my exercise in and eat right!!!!

bowled tonight... started off pretty good but did so bad on my last game...

I'm still stressed and sad about all that is going on in my life... I dunno how to get my frustrations out :( it sucks... blegh...

12 September 2010

and it begins

so at the moment I am super duper busy with life and got to figure out a way to fit my exercise in so it is no so sporatic... it will be a little easy since i live at home and my parents do most of the cooking but if i lived on my own right now i think subway would be my very best friend!!!

i haven't pick a new Weight Watchers date yet but I am thinking Monday nights...

my busyness includes a bowling league that plays once a week but it could be any day from tues-fri.
another bowling league that is thursday night
cadets - wednesday night and some weekends!
Coaching little kids bowling saturday mornings
possibly pipe band sunday afternoons...

the only thing that is hard is too get off work then go work out and have time to eat and get ready for whatever is happening that night... so i need to figure out if mornings work or see if i can fit it in after work... i am not sure... weekends are fine, i have spare time to work out... it is just during the week that will be interesting lol...

I am doing alright right now... just maintaining where I am and looking into new fitness routines to tone up my flabby spots... lol... and if i still lose some weight that will be sweet but if not i am okay with that too... :)

also my car was 1 yr old on Sept 10 and i got rear ended on the 9th... not much damage though... you can barely tell I got hit... lol

06 September 2010

he'll never know how much I miss him...

So Thursday I flew out to BC to visit my family out there... My parents are out there for a while visiting my grandparents and this weekend was a long weekend so I went out there for a few days to visit and to just get away from here...

Last week was pretty good... i was busy tues and wed then left thurs and was busy while i was away so i didn't have much time to miss him or be sad...

This week things should be just the same...
Monday - Flew home/cleaned/unpacked
Tuesday - Work then get some stuff ready for bowling and cadets
Wednesday - Work then Cadets
Thursday - Work then Bowling
Friday - Work then bowling then maybe going out :)
Saturday - Coach kids bowling then who knows what
Sunday - Relax? I bought a book the other day maybe I can read it :)

Then off to the next week... and on and on and on... lol

Weight watchers on Saturday was BAD BAD BAD... i have not been tracking and it was just bad... I am going back to tracking and running and getting my shit back together... It is hard when your whole life collapses...

Anyway when I was in BC we went to a psychic and i didn't get too much of a reading because she got super excited that I am psychic... but she did say that i should go into law or psycology or both... which are both things I have thought about... lol... and there was a box of tarot cards sitting there and you just grab one and see what is says... My mom grabbed one and it said relocation which is funny because she wants to move to BC and i grabbed one and it said collapse of structure which is true because of this whole break up... so it was crazy... 

but anyways off to finish my day and get on with my week :)