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31 August 2010

Oh Boy

What a stressful night last night turned out to be.

According to another person I am taking over their life because I am continuing to do the things we did together every weekend.  I understand he is upset and that this is a difficult time for the both of us but I shouldn't have to feel bad for trying to go out and have fun with people.  Whoever I choose to go out with shouldn't matter to anyone else but me unless it causes me to get into trouble.  My life has dramatically changed so I might do things I didn't do before or see people who I didn't see before in a effort to get out there and socialize and not sit at home and cry but for some reason that is an issue.  I am sad because he is sad but I am also happy that I can go out without him and have fun and have a good night.  He made the choice to move away so I don't know... I am not trying to take over his life... We spent every day/night/weekend together and spent time with the same people so it was my life too.  I was there every second of it and just because they were his friends first doesn't mean he owns them and that I am not allowed to be friends with them... Ugh... I don't want him to be sad but I am not going to not go out and have fun.

and this is what hurts the most is that because I spent some time with these people he is saying that it means I don't care about him and am doing just fine.  I am doing better now then I was when this all went down but I am not fine.  I still think about him all the time.  I still miss him every second of everyday.

All I am trying to do is things that make me happy.  I don't know what makes me happy anymore so I am going to go hang out with anyone who is willing and I am going to have fun and I don't know I am trying to not just sit at home every night I thought that was a good plan...

On another note I have been eating :)
I didn't run yesterday because of rain but I am going today :)
I am trying to be happy :)
And when I weighed in on Saturday I set that as my goal (just because I am so stressed right now) and am now working on my 6 weeks of maintenance (or loss). :)

29 August 2010

Step One?

Today was my birthday... Today was rough... I cried a lot today :(

Anyway I went out last night with some friends and had a really good time :) Stayed at the bar till close which I have never done before but I had a great, fun night.  Walked home from the bar and I live maybe 20 min away and we left the bar around 2:30 or 3:00 and didn't make it to my house till around 4:15.  But it was a good night and that is all that matters!! :)

'He' did contact me today to wish me a happy birthday which I was happy about but it all still hurts.

But I need to get my life back in order or at least start trying to.  I keep wanting to and I just don't. I really really want to continue my running because I was looking forward to possibly running a half and a full marathon next year... It is a little hard to get back into that as we started it together and we both have the same goals with it and I want us both to succeed at it but it is another thing that reminds me of him... I don't know I enjoyed running and I think even though it will remind me of him I will feel better but it is still so hard.

Cadets starts up this week and bowling (which I am iffy about) starts the week after so I am having a few things to get me out and about... I am hoping to go for a run tomorrow after work and get back to doing that everyday... I think for a little while I should only go every second day and work up my endurance again then go daily...

But here are my goals for this week
1. Go running
2. Eat properly
3. Drink lots of water so I am not dehydrated anymore
4. Try to keep busy after work

The only thing that might cause me trouble is that I am still having trouble sleeping and I still cry myself to sleep daily but I seem to be getting a better at not thinking for long enough to fall asleep but at the moment it takes around 1 - 2 hours to fall asleep... ugh... which makes it hard to get up in the morning... But I am hoping that things will start getting easier this month and that my sleep might start getting better... I haven't had a good sleep since this all happened and sleep affects your mood and appetite for the next day...  Anyways enough of my rambling, I am going to look at my goals daily and see if the helps me get through!!

27 August 2010

Just another day

Friday... ugh... I don't know if I should be happy or sad... I am happy and I am sad... It is the weekend, my birthday weekend... and all I really want is to spend it with him... He was (is?) my best friend and I still wish even though we are not together that he could be here to celebrate my birthday with me... I unno... I don't think he would want to drive 2.5hrs just to see me for my birthday...

Ugh... this just all sucks... I know logically that we can't be together right now and that we both have some soul searching and figuring out to do on our own but that doesn't make my heart stop hurting... it doesn't make me want him any less... it doesn't make me miss him any less... I still want him with me... I still want to come home and talk to him and tell him how my day was and have supper with him and spend my nights with him like we did before... I dunno... it is hard not to want that... everyday I come home and expect to see his little yellow truck sitting in the driveway and everyday as I approach my house and see it's not there I get sad again...

I don't know what I am hoping for.. I don't know what I should be thinking or doing... all i think about is how much this sucks and that I hope that someday in the future we can talk and make things work again... I don't know if thinking that stuff is good or bad... That is all I really want at the moment...

I am happy that I am getting back into somethings that I stopped doing when I was with him and that I am finding myself again but I am still sad because I still wish I could share those things with him and still see him and still be with him... I miss talking and playing crib and his little truck and watching movies and going shopping and walks in the park and more and more and more... I just don't know...

23 August 2010

I am still here

I am still making it through the days... found out that he moved on pretty damn fast :( we were together for almost 5 years and now he is seeing someone else.... it hurts so much that he said he still cared about me but then invited some other girl into his bed... ugh... I have since cut off all contact with him which breaks my heart but I know it needed to be done...
this is the worst thing I have ever gone through in my entire life!!!! I would never ever wish this hurt or pain on anyone... except maybe him at the moment... I could deal with the break up but why does he need to make it even worse :( fuck you think you know someone... you think your going to have a life with someone then poof they just one day stop giving a fuck about you... he acted like everything was fine and that he wanted to be with me up until the day before we broke up... even after we broke up he told me how much he cared and how he would still be there for me if I needed someone... I guess that was bullshit...
I have kinda slacked off on weight watchers for right now, I don't have an appitite at all so I am trying to just get food into me when I do eat... I havn't been working out as I am always light-headed and not feeling good due to the lack of food/water going into my body... i sleep all the time... i can't get up in the morning... I keep trying to get my life back on track but it is hard...
my days feel incomplete without talking to him... I break down at least once a day or more... suppertime and bed time are the worst as I would have supper with him everyday day and get a hug and kiss goodnight almost every night... its hard to not want that or miss that... and he obviously doesn't miss it from me as he is most likely getting it from someone else...
ahhhhh... this whole situation just sucks soooooooooooo much... i am just so worn out over this... I am just exhausted every day... and it is so hard to get through each day :( I feel like he is tainting the relationship we had and making me feel like he faked so much of it :(  I want to look back on our memories and be happy that we had them... but the way he just disregarded my feelings and his feelings and jumped into something else makes those memories so hard to look back on...

I didn't want us to be a bad memory but now I am worried that is all the last 5 years will be :(

15 August 2010

ugh

this sucks so much...
one minute I am happy the next I am in tears... I don't know what to do or what to think... I am just so hurt that the person who I thought was the love of my life could just walk away just like that... he just up and moved to another city...
ahhhhh!!!! i know I am overanalyzing this and that it is only going to make things harder... I am an analytical person... I need answers I need reasons... I dunno, I guess I got some answers like why he left but I just can't believe he wouldn't talk to me about anything... about how he felt... that is what kills me... I am trying not to think about it... not to let it stress me out but it is hard... he was the world to me...

someone said 'why does HE determine YOUR happiness?'
well he doesn't really... I am happy for the most part... The only thing I am sad about is him leaving... he didn't define me he didn't make or break my day... he did make me happier... I enjoyed talking to him... spending time with him... getting advice from him... but he didn't determine if a day was a good day or not..

I don't know... I just miss him and I don't really have any people here to talk to about it so I guess I am posting it on the internet for anyone to see... lol...

I miss him

06 August 2010

Tales of a Broken Heart

How does someone tell you they love you, think of you as family, and care so much about you and in the same sentence tell you they are leaving... and leaving you...

I don't think it matters how many questions I asked or how many answers I get I don't think I can wrap my head around this.  He says he needs space.  Needs time to figure things out on his own.  I can understand that as much as it hurts I can understand that... but... there is always a but... how do you consider someone family and just leave them... no discussion... no fight... no notice...

he did everything he ever could for me... sometimes I didn't get to see him as much as I wanted and that sucks but he always tried to make up for it... things were good... I thought...

I couldn't read his mind... I knew he was upset... I asked if it was because of me... there was your chance to talk to work on this to let me know... instead you just say it's work, it's money, it's this, it's that... how was I suppose to know that things were bothering you when you didn't open your mouth...

I know you don't like confrontation... so you just avoid everything and solve it by running away... I understand things are scary and... and... I don't know...

My world had crumbled around me... I am just numb... I can make it through most of the day... but as the time to leave work draws near it starts to hurt... I start to fear coming home and knowing that you won't be there... coming home knowing that you won't share the stories of your day... coming home knowing I won't see you again... hear you... feel you... smile, laugh, sing, play... all of these things that I looked forward to everyday...

I don't want to go home, I don't want to stay at work, I don't want to go out, I don't want to sleep... something somewhere, everywhere reminds me... a song, a movie, a tv show, a restaurant, a conversation, a quote...

Why did I think I was special enough to not get a broken heart... I thought I was lucky and found a good guy who would be there for me forever...

He says things like I just need to think... need to figure stuff out... so am I suppose to take that as hope for a future or not... I don't know where you stand... I don't know what you need to think about...

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and maybe ever will...

I just got to keep waking up... keep going through my day... keep trying to keep going...

Got to try and take things day by day and see how things go...
I know what I want and I know what I pray for but I know I can't make up his mind for him...