Somedays it makes me sick

Somedays it makes me sick
to think about all the shit
you gave up when you ran away
because you were too scared to stay

if you could have looked into my eyes
and told me what you decided to hide
and trusted me like you said you did
we could have had a chance kid!

Moved back into my room finally!!! still getting stuff into there but I have my bed and my room back :) and awesome fuzzy carpet! I went for a run yesterday (in the wind and cold) and I am going for one again after work today.  I am looking into taking a class with the running room to train for the half-marathon I plan to run in May and depending on how that goes I hope to do a full-marathon in fall.

I have to maintain my weight for 3 more weeks then I am a lifetime member at weight watchers :)
I still plan on losing some more but I am just working on maintaining at the moment while I am trying to get my life figured out! which is a challenge in itself!

I have few people out there who are actually trying to help me through this but I guess having a few is better than having none.  Its like most people think I should be over it already but those people must have never had their heart broken... the hurt and the pain doesn't go away over night... It hasn't even calmed down a bit but I have learned not to cry all the time but it still gets to me everyday...

I try not to talk to other people about it because it seems that no one really wants to hear it or be supportive... everyone just says whatever you'll get over it or stop thinking about it or something along those lines... I just wish that the people who I try to talk to about this would actually give me the time of day... I know no one wants to talk to that sad depressing girl so I am trying to pretend and act like im fine so people will want to spend time with me so that I don't get more sad and more depressed. Ugh, I dunno, random babbles again... lol


Anyways I am still maintaining my weight and running and eating healthy and a few people I know are thinking about joining Weight Watchers so maybe I can help someone else through it! :)

http://lost-love-broken.blogspot.com/

Cause you just, did the impossible, gained my trust Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over

For the most part things are pretty good right now... I am doing everything I was going to do with him in my life anyways... It more just sucks that I don't have that connection with someone and don't have that person to share my daily thoughts and feelings and talk about my day with... It sucks that I can see all the bad and all the hurt that happened to me throughout the relationship but I still love him with all my heart... they say if you love someone you accept all the bad with all the good which is what I seem to have done but why?  Why did/do I allow myself to get hurt over and over... why did I let him have complete control over me?  I wish I knew the answer...

I let him hurt me more than I ever wanted to be hurt... I let him do things that are unacceptable in a relationship and I know this but yet I still don't hate him... I still miss him... I still love him... I don't know if I should be happy or sad about that.  Should I be happy that I can love someone so much that I will try and do whatever it takes and that I will try and work through all the bad with that person.  He couldn't emotionally commit to me 100% he needed to flirt and hit on other girls and we couldn't be in a healthy happy relationship if he couldn't commit to me 100%.

I was talking to someone the other day and we kind of came to the conclusion that we either needed to take a step in our relationship or end it... and I was trying to take a step of moving in together so we could know if we could live together before we even talked about marriage or kids or anything like that... he thought the next step was marriage and wasn't ready for that I guess... I don't know its like we missed the boat.  It is like when you are teaching a child to speak or have empathy, you need to get it at a certain time or it just never fully develops... we were long overdue for that next step and I was willing and ready and willing to wait till we could get our finances figured out and I guess he wasn't willing to wait till he was done school...

I dunno... we were right there... everything we wanted was in reach and he just couldn't... I dunno... I guess the timing wasn't right, the circumstances weren't right... I had accepted that and was willing to wait till they were... but I guess he needed something now :( it is unfortunate that we didn't discuss this and didn't communicate... I knew our communication was an issue and I tried to talk about that many times... but the fact that he wasn't willing should have told me something right then and there but I just ignored it... Ignorance truly is bliss I guess...

anyways I had a totally intended to write about something else and all this just came out... oh boy... lol

It's amazing how you make your face just like a wall, how you take your heart and turn it off, how I turn my head and lose it all

Matchbox twenty is my very best friend right now :) Such good music...

anyways had an alright week i guess lol... i am doing a lot better on tracking this week which is good and i plan on having a relaxing weekend to get organized for next week and make a plan to get all my exercise in and eat right!!!!

bowled tonight... started off pretty good but did so bad on my last game...

I'm still stressed and sad about all that is going on in my life... I dunno how to get my frustrations out :( it sucks... blegh...

and it begins

so at the moment I am super duper busy with life and got to figure out a way to fit my exercise in so it is no so sporatic... it will be a little easy since i live at home and my parents do most of the cooking but if i lived on my own right now i think subway would be my very best friend!!!

i haven't pick a new Weight Watchers date yet but I am thinking Monday nights...

my busyness includes a bowling league that plays once a week but it could be any day from tues-fri.
another bowling league that is thursday night
cadets - wednesday night and some weekends!
Coaching little kids bowling saturday mornings
possibly pipe band sunday afternoons...

the only thing that is hard is too get off work then go work out and have time to eat and get ready for whatever is happening that night... so i need to figure out if mornings work or see if i can fit it in after work... i am not sure... weekends are fine, i have spare time to work out... it is just during the week that will be interesting lol...

I am doing alright right now... just maintaining where I am and looking into new fitness routines to tone up my flabby spots... lol... and if i still lose some weight that will be sweet but if not i am okay with that too... :)

also my car was 1 yr old on Sept 10 and i got rear ended on the 9th... not much damage though... you can barely tell I got hit... lol

he'll never know how much I miss him...

So Thursday I flew out to BC to visit my family out there... My parents are out there for a while visiting my grandparents and this weekend was a long weekend so I went out there for a few days to visit and to just get away from here...

Last week was pretty good... i was busy tues and wed then left thurs and was busy while i was away so i didn't have much time to miss him or be sad...

This week things should be just the same...
Monday - Flew home/cleaned/unpacked
Tuesday - Work then get some stuff ready for bowling and cadets
Wednesday - Work then Cadets
Thursday - Work then Bowling
Friday - Work then bowling then maybe going out :)
Saturday - Coach kids bowling then who knows what
Sunday - Relax? I bought a book the other day maybe I can read it :)

Then off to the next week... and on and on and on... lol

Weight watchers on Saturday was BAD BAD BAD... i have not been tracking and it was just bad... I am going back to tracking and running and getting my shit back together... It is hard when your whole life collapses...

Anyway when I was in BC we went to a psychic and i didn't get too much of a reading because she got super excited that I am psychic... but she did say that i should go into law or psycology or both... which are both things I have thought about... lol... and there was a box of tarot cards sitting there and you just grab one and see what is says... My mom grabbed one and it said relocation which is funny because she wants to move to BC and i grabbed one and it said collapse of structure which is true because of this whole break up... so it was crazy... 

but anyways off to finish my day and get on with my week :)

Oh Boy

What a stressful night last night turned out to be.

According to another person I am taking over their life because I am continuing to do the things we did together every weekend.  I understand he is upset and that this is a difficult time for the both of us but I shouldn't have to feel bad for trying to go out and have fun with people.  Whoever I choose to go out with shouldn't matter to anyone else but me unless it causes me to get into trouble.  My life has dramatically changed so I might do things I didn't do before or see people who I didn't see before in a effort to get out there and socialize and not sit at home and cry but for some reason that is an issue.  I am sad because he is sad but I am also happy that I can go out without him and have fun and have a good night.  He made the choice to move away so I don't know... I am not trying to take over his life... We spent every day/night/weekend together and spent time with the same people so it was my life too.  I was there every second of it and just because they were his friends first doesn't mean he owns them and that I am not allowed to be friends with them... Ugh... I don't want him to be sad but I am not going to not go out and have fun.

and this is what hurts the most is that because I spent some time with these people he is saying that it means I don't care about him and am doing just fine.  I am doing better now then I was when this all went down but I am not fine.  I still think about him all the time.  I still miss him every second of everyday.

All I am trying to do is things that make me happy.  I don't know what makes me happy anymore so I am going to go hang out with anyone who is willing and I am going to have fun and I don't know I am trying to not just sit at home every night I thought that was a good plan...

On another note I have been eating :)
I didn't run yesterday because of rain but I am going today :)
I am trying to be happy :)
And when I weighed in on Saturday I set that as my goal (just because I am so stressed right now) and am now working on my 6 weeks of maintenance (or loss). :)

Step One?

Today was my birthday... Today was rough... I cried a lot today :(

Anyway I went out last night with some friends and had a really good time :) Stayed at the bar till close which I have never done before but I had a great, fun night.  Walked home from the bar and I live maybe 20 min away and we left the bar around 2:30 or 3:00 and didn't make it to my house till around 4:15.  But it was a good night and that is all that matters!! :)

'He' did contact me today to wish me a happy birthday which I was happy about but it all still hurts.

But I need to get my life back in order or at least start trying to.  I keep wanting to and I just don't. I really really want to continue my running because I was looking forward to possibly running a half and a full marathon next year... It is a little hard to get back into that as we started it together and we both have the same goals with it and I want us both to succeed at it but it is another thing that reminds me of him... I don't know I enjoyed running and I think even though it will remind me of him I will feel better but it is still so hard.

Cadets starts up this week and bowling (which I am iffy about) starts the week after so I am having a few things to get me out and about... I am hoping to go for a run tomorrow after work and get back to doing that everyday... I think for a little while I should only go every second day and work up my endurance again then go daily...

But here are my goals for this week
1. Go running
2. Eat properly
3. Drink lots of water so I am not dehydrated anymore
4. Try to keep busy after work

The only thing that might cause me trouble is that I am still having trouble sleeping and I still cry myself to sleep daily but I seem to be getting a better at not thinking for long enough to fall asleep but at the moment it takes around 1 - 2 hours to fall asleep... ugh... which makes it hard to get up in the morning... But I am hoping that things will start getting easier this month and that my sleep might start getting better... I haven't had a good sleep since this all happened and sleep affects your mood and appetite for the next day...  Anyways enough of my rambling, I am going to look at my goals daily and see if the helps me get through!!

Just another day

Friday... ugh... I don't know if I should be happy or sad... I am happy and I am sad... It is the weekend, my birthday weekend... and all I really want is to spend it with him... He was (is?) my best friend and I still wish even though we are not together that he could be here to celebrate my birthday with me... I unno... I don't think he would want to drive 2.5hrs just to see me for my birthday...

Ugh... this just all sucks... I know logically that we can't be together right now and that we both have some soul searching and figuring out to do on our own but that doesn't make my heart stop hurting... it doesn't make me want him any less... it doesn't make me miss him any less... I still want him with me... I still want to come home and talk to him and tell him how my day was and have supper with him and spend my nights with him like we did before... I dunno... it is hard not to want that... everyday I come home and expect to see his little yellow truck sitting in the driveway and everyday as I approach my house and see it's not there I get sad again...

I don't know what I am hoping for.. I don't know what I should be thinking or doing... all i think about is how much this sucks and that I hope that someday in the future we can talk and make things work again... I don't know if thinking that stuff is good or bad... That is all I really want at the moment...

I am happy that I am getting back into somethings that I stopped doing when I was with him and that I am finding myself again but I am still sad because I still wish I could share those things with him and still see him and still be with him... I miss talking and playing crib and his little truck and watching movies and going shopping and walks in the park and more and more and more... I just don't know...

I am still here

I am still making it through the days... found out that he moved on pretty damn fast :( we were together for almost 5 years and now he is seeing someone else.... it hurts so much that he said he still cared about me but then invited some other girl into his bed... ugh... I have since cut off all contact with him which breaks my heart but I know it needed to be done...
this is the worst thing I have ever gone through in my entire life!!!! I would never ever wish this hurt or pain on anyone... except maybe him at the moment... I could deal with the break up but why does he need to make it even worse :( fuck you think you know someone... you think your going to have a life with someone then poof they just one day stop giving a fuck about you... he acted like everything was fine and that he wanted to be with me up until the day before we broke up... even after we broke up he told me how much he cared and how he would still be there for me if I needed someone... I guess that was bullshit...
I have kinda slacked off on weight watchers for right now, I don't have an appitite at all so I am trying to just get food into me when I do eat... I havn't been working out as I am always light-headed and not feeling good due to the lack of food/water going into my body... i sleep all the time... i can't get up in the morning... I keep trying to get my life back on track but it is hard...
my days feel incomplete without talking to him... I break down at least once a day or more... suppertime and bed time are the worst as I would have supper with him everyday day and get a hug and kiss goodnight almost every night... its hard to not want that or miss that... and he obviously doesn't miss it from me as he is most likely getting it from someone else...
ahhhhh... this whole situation just sucks soooooooooooo much... i am just so worn out over this... I am just exhausted every day... and it is so hard to get through each day :( I feel like he is tainting the relationship we had and making me feel like he faked so much of it :(  I want to look back on our memories and be happy that we had them... but the way he just disregarded my feelings and his feelings and jumped into something else makes those memories so hard to look back on...

I didn't want us to be a bad memory but now I am worried that is all the last 5 years will be :(